Saturday, May 13, 2006

Bushgoon Kiss-Ass or Scathing Satirist? How to tell.

(The Daily) -- WASHINGTON, DC, May 13th, 2006 -- Still stinging from Stephen Colbert's twenty-five minute roasting-Bush-alive event at the White House Correspondents' Dinner a couple weeks ago, Bushco Kool-Aid drinkers everywhere are now experiencing "intellectual" panic about the prospect of attending various Bushco dumbfests.

A visibly shaken, disillusioned, obese attendee of the Colbert dinner said "We go to these things to relax and party, not to reflect on how absolutely disasterous the people whom we're supporting are conducting themselves with our limited resources."

Contemplation at last?

A Chief Propaganda strategist for Bushco conceded that "Both our leadership and our supporters have a lot of trouble identifying and appreciating irony." He then paused for a moment, looking up in a puzzled way to try to figure out whether what he had just said was, in any way, ironic.

Then, soberly recomposing himself, he admitted that "We are now faced with a serious crisis regarding inviting [1] speakers to our fundraising dinners and campaign stump speeches."

The Colbert Effect?

All across America Republican campaign managers are pulling their hairs out in chaos saying that they need to have some degree of confidence about inviting speech-givers because "campaign contributors certainly don't want to sponsor dinners where the featured speakers make mincemeat out of the current GOP leadership and all of our pointlessly destructive policies."

One party hack who seemed to be parroting his words from a hastily-convened closed-door meeting said "With Bush's approval ratings lower than Nixon's, we can't afford anymore Colbert-like surprises."


Cashing in on all the confusion is a company called Spanish Inquisition Services, Inc. (SISI) who today announced a new service to help weed out the Biting Satirists from the formerly seemingly endless supply of corrupt dumbfuck Bushco enablers.

Dr. Rudolph "Biff" Shortsitedstein, Vice President of Operations at SISI, explained a typical screening procedure:

"Prospective banquet speakers are first hooked up to a heart monitor and a brain scan. An interogator then proceeds to verbally list off a series of known true statements about President Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, etc."

"As the subject listens to these indisputable facts (often consisting of many dramatically obvious inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and/or out and out Bushco lies) SISI staffers closely monitor the potential speakers' blood pressure, heart rate, and brainwave activity for any changes."

"When exposed to various spoken truths about the Bush administration, huge spikes in blood pressure and heart rate are pretty good indicators that the candidate is an authentic Buschco idjit" says Dr. Biff in a SISI promotional demo video.

He cautioned that blood pressure and heart rate changes alone are not enough to make a definitive conclusion that a prospective speaker is a Bushgoon Kiss-ass.

"Many skilled satirists can train themselves to fake angry physiological reactions to Bushco inconsistencies and lies," warned the noticably nervous Shortsitedstein.

"For instance, we've discovered that some satirists are actually able to fake gritting their teeth, or bulging their eyes out, and most can even fake extreme rage by somehow voluntarily turning their faces beet red -- just like Bushgoon Kiss-asses often do involuntarily[2] whenever confronted with uncomfortable and undeniable truths about their lying manipulative puppetmasters and/or sources of payola."

This ability to feign "righteous" anger had initially tricked the SISI staffers into approving speaker candidates who appeared to be Bushgoon Kiss-asses but instead turned out to be comedians (with consciences).

To deal with this glitch, specialists at Spanish Inquisition Services, Inc. decided to pay closer attention to the subject's brainwave activity while being subjected to a littany of Bushco inconsistencies.

SISI researchers developed a way to distinguish actual brain activity (like that which one would expect from someone intelligent enough to be a satirist) and differentiate that type of intelligent brainwave activity from what SISI investors and executives jokingly call Bushgoon Brain-strain.

Interpretting Brainwave Data: Independently Intelligent or Simple Bushgoon Brain-strain?

Determining the qualitative nature of the elevated brainscan readings is accomplished by correlating the timing and intensity of a subject's brainwave activity and cross-referencing that matrix of data with the testee's respective blood pressure spikes and heart rate accelerations. This allows SISI staffers to recognize predictable patterns across the two data matrixes."

"Our researchers discovered that if brain activity steadily increases over the course of the testing, with no significant lulls inbetween the hearings of several consequetive true statements about Bushco, then it's just 'normal' Bushgoon Brain-strain and not the dreaded Satirist Jollies.

Unlike the exponentially increasing rage-based brain activity associated with simple Bushgoon Brain-strain, Satirial Jollies typically registers on brainscan graphs as alternating bell curves whenever a rational testee is subjected to the same consequetive true (yet contradictional) statements about Bushco."

"Oscillating brainwave activity seems to indicate some sort of punchline appreciation capacity for the sand-bagging satirists as they hear line after line of Bushco lies and inconsitencies," speculated Dr. Biff.

"This is in stark contrast to the steadily rising anger-based Brain-strain pattern of Bushgoon Kiss-asses where the naturally occuring punchlines appear to go completely undetected."

Due to a profit-sharing incentive agreement, Dr. Biff excitedly noted that "Spikes in blood pressure and heart rate with NO ACCOMPANYING BRAIN ACTIVITY WHATSOEVER (a/k/a NABAW) is a solid indicator of an ideal prospective speaker." Such individuals are given the highest possible SISI clearence status.

NABAWs are particularly suitable speaker candidates for live televised conferences or stump speeches where several-minute-bleeping delays cannot be negotiated with (nor forced upon) all of the press organizations known to be attending.


[1] -- approving

[2] -- This phenonemon also naturally occurs in a small percentage of frustrated critics of Bushco who have not yet transcended to the sense-of-humor level required to defeat these loveless, uncreative fascist twats.




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